The Life & Times of an Auteur.

Commentary on Pop Culture, and maybe creating some of my own.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

So, IGN did a Top 100 Comic Book villains list. Naturally, I had to write my own thoughts and commentary on this. So, with your indulgence.

100. MODOK Now, personally, if I had my way, this little shit wouldn't be on here. Before this is over, I promise to name five villains who would have been more worthy than MODOK
99. Fin Fang Foom He's a giant dragon with a really stupid name, but I have a soft spot for him. He's worthy. Anyone remember the purple underpants he wore in the 1960s?
98. Mastermind So, you have the power to mentally cast illusions and you use it to make your ugly face handsome? Works for me... Mastermind is in it for the pussy. Unfortunately, he is one of the thousand mutants in it for Jean Grey's red pussy. What is the fascination with that woman, anyway?
97. Violator Wait, wait, wait? An Image villain? A Spawn villain?! BACK OF THE LINE!
96. Despero They colored him lavender and had Keith David voice him in the cartoon. For that, he is made of win.
95. Omega Red Hey, we want a kinky hentai tentacle villain for Wolverine but can't afford Dr. Octopus. So we'll give him this commie instead.
94. Annihilus Sigh, another villain that is discovered when Reed Richards over thinks how he's going to make an omelet. Next time, stick to Lucky Charms.
93. Omni-Man .... huh? MODOK, you're almost forgiven.
92. Parallax Just remember kids, if you go nuts and kill people, the "I was possessed by Parallax" card will absolve you of your sins faster than accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
91. The Adversary I am not that far in "Fables" yet, don't spoil me!
90. Carnage .... MODOK, all is forgiven.
89. Shade He was cool in JLU. He can stay.
88. Hunter Rose I have no idea who this is.
87. Electro Aww, he's just a big woobie. But, see Max. See what happens when you wear that stupid star fish mask? You barely beat Carnage.
86. The Governor ... of Alaska. Very scary.
85. Mysterio Hey?! He should be higher! And he should be in the next movie too.
84. Dr. Light ... didn't you build Mega Man? And isn't light a good thing? Change your name... try "The Infamous Refrigerator Killer" MWA HA HA HA HA HA!
83. Grigori Rasputin Hell yeah, way to acknowledge Hellboy!
82. Doctor Sivana I'm sorry, who are you?
81. The Mandarin This guy is so evil, they're afraid to put him in an Iron Man movie because he will piss off the Chinese. Seriously. Panda Express will issue a Chinese jihad or something.
80. Prometheus Um... yay?
79. Mirror Master Flash villains are lame, aren't they?
78. Lady Deathstrike See what happens when you fuck Wolverine? You see??! Don't fuck Wolverine!
77. Proteus You know what happens to the world when you drop a metric ton of acid and don't die? Yeah, that's what Proteus does to you... made Wolverine cry too.
76. Mister Mxyzptlk I'll give you $50 if you can pronounce this without a reference.
75. Magog Speaking of weird names? He sounds like something I ordered at a Thai restaurant.
74. Saint of Killers Hell yeah! You know how God pisses you off and you pray for understanding? Guess what this guy did instead. Come on, guess ;)
74. Clayface Okay, his Batman: TAS episodes were cool... at least until Robin fell in love with a piece of him. Ew.
72. Sandman Hey, I was mentioned in his debut episode of "The Spectacular Spider-Man"... for that alone, he stays.
71. Thunderbolt Ross Totally shouldn't be here. The Hulk is a threat. The Hulk has killed thousands. Kill Banner. Simple enough.
70. William Stryker Imagine if Oliver North and Fred Phelps had a love child (tee hee), well, this is him. And X-Men 2 was awesome also.
69. Cheetah For all you furries out there, enjoy. I continue to not get it.
68. Lucifer Morningstar Huh? He should be in the Top Ten. Easily! The Morningstar rocks. One of the best comics ever.
67. Mr. Freeze Could easily have scored higher. Maybe should have, but the Governor of California continues to melt him.
66. Herr Starr Hee hee... two R's.
65. Kang the Conqueror You know, I'd like him much better if he didn't have that stupid blue face.
64. Poison Ivy Meltdown from Harley/Ivy shippers that she is too low in 5, 4, 3, 2...
63. The Leader Hulk villains are lame too. So says GregX!
62. The Lizard Dr. Connors wanted a new arm, took a serum infecting himself with reptile DNA. Turned into the Lizard and went on a rampage. Spider-Man turns him back. Wash, rinse, repeat... I have summed up every single Lizard story there is.
61. Parasite All he wanted was a big screen TV. Is that too much to ask?
60. Amanda Waller Why is she awesome? How many other short, fat, black women are major supervillains? Kudos to her. Project Cadmus was awesome.
59. The Riddler Sigh, Batman may have the best rogue's gallery in comics, but this guy's gimmick has never wowed me.
58. Scarecrow Now we're talking... if Batman strikes fear into the hearts of criminals, Professor Crane here strikes fear into the hearts of innocent people. Good stuff.
57. Hobgoblin A great villain, I love him. Well, the original one, anyway. A pale imitation, but a pale imitation with balls and style. Come back soon.
56. Dormammu Okay, why is this guy fun? Say outloud "The dread Dormammu" and say it as corny and dramatic as you possible can. Isn't it fun?
55. Sebastian Shaw Gotta love this guy. The Black King of the Hellfire Club, and the most dangerous SCA/bondage fetishist in all of fiction. X-Men, beware.
54. Abomination His name speaks for itself.
53. Kraven the Hunter Remember when he blew his brains out? That was cool. Remember anything else? Neither do I.
52. Metallo Sigh, watch his episodes in Superman:TAS. An example of villain decay if I ever saw one.
51. Penguin... DeVito walking around in his underwear. Chew on that.
50. Cassandra Nova So, Charles Xavier had a twin sister who tried to strangle him in the womb. So he used his mental powers in the womb to knock her out. The fetus was thrown away and survived, grew up and massacred thousands of mutants... I am not making any of that up.
49. Anti-Monitor Um... sure.
48. Mephisto The obvious question is, why is he ahead of Lucifer? The second question... um... was stealing Peter Parker and Mary Jane's marriage worth it? Are you enjoying it? Um... you're not Joe Quesada, are you?
47. Thanos Thanos is a great an awesome character and is totally not a rip-off of Darkseid... and no Corvus doesn't have a gun to my head. CALL THE POLICE!!!! ;)
46. Doomsday No depth. No personality. A badass who appeared out of no where to kill Superman. Sounds like the 90s for you.
45. Harley Quinn YAY!!!!!!!! She squeeled. Mistah J shoved her out a window. We loved her ever since.
44. Sabretooth Come on Logan, just cut his head off. Be rid of him? Wait, you did? Cool.
43. Deadshot Okay, he's DC's greatest marksman. Has he ever killed a hero? No. Poopie.
42. Talia Al Ghul I'd hit it. Hot, smart, sexy, that accent. And... Batman's been there. You'll take Batman's sloppy seconds and you'll like it.
41. Mongul Unlike Thanos, he is a lame Darkseid rip-off.
40. Baron Zemo II Pissed because Norman Osborn stole your team? Don't feel bad. Dark Avengers... Dark X-Men... he's stealing everyone's team.
39. Shredder Are we allowed to say cowabunga in front of him? Aw, he's a lame 80s cartoon villain, he can't hurt you. ::Skims his original comic book appearance:: Holy shit....
38. Sentinels Living here in Jersey, fighting villains from afar. You've gotta find first gear in your giant robot car. You dig giant robots! I did giant robots! We dig giant robots! Chicks did giant robots! .... Mutants? Not so much.
37. Zoom Was the name Speedy taken?
36. Vandal Savage Vandal Savage is proof that if cavemen and astronauts got into a fight the cavemen would win.
35. Gorilla Grodd So, Curious George learned all that he needed to from the man in the yellow hat, is now no longer curious and... I'm sorry, but... "I wasn't going to do this for another few weeks, but seriously. Turning all of humanity into apes? That was your master plan?" ::shoots him::
34. Bane Because Doomsday worked so well, another lame newbie with big muscles for Batman!
33. Cyborg Superman Isn't it nice that Little Johnny's fanfic character became canon?
32. Deathstroke I like the name 'Slade' better.
31. Professor Zoom ... Timothy Leary didn't die, did he?
30. General Zod Do I really have to tell that same joke? Do I? Really? Huh? Oh, it's required by federal law? Sigh... "SON OF JOR'EL! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!!!!!!" Happy? I'm not going to jail now? Great!
29. Sinister "I'm a mysterious badass come to torment the X-Men. You don't know my back story, for it is shrouded in mystery and contradictions. You will only learn it years after you have ceased to care. Oh, and I am obsessed with Scott Summers' wee wee."
28. Dr. Octopus Here he is! Choke on this, Omega Red! One of the Top Two Spidey foes, indeed. Hey, if he's here, then that means Venom didn't make the list. Yay!
27. Captain Cold ... Flash villains are lame, aren't they? How is he ahead of Mr. Freeze? The governor of California wasn't that .... yes, he was that bad.
26. Kid Miracleman He was created by Alan Moore, so show him respect.
25. Bizarro Does anyone not remember that Seinfeld episode that didn't have Bizarro Jerry, Bizarro George and Bizarro Kramer? Bizarro Kramer is totally racist. Hello!
24. Apocalypse "I'm a mysterious badass come to torment the X-Men. You don't know my back story, for it is shrouded in mystery and contradictions. You will only learn it years after you have ceased to care. Do you like the big A on my belt? How about my big blue lips" BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!
23. Ultron A true classic, just don't let Bendis give him tits again.
22. Venom Venom??? Ahead of Doc Ock?! The list is officially retarded now!
21. Ozymandias It's not that he killed the Comedian. It's not that he created a giant squid and used it to nuke Manhattan. It's not that he did it 35 minutes ago. He has a folder on his computer labled 'Boys'. Now that's evil. He changed the world and he's a sexual predator. Kudos to you, Adrian Veidt
20. Bullseye Deadshot, eat your heart out. Remember when he stabbed Elektra with a sai? That was... kinky.
19. Juggernaut "Wah, my stepbrother has a bigger Christmas present than I do! I'm gonna get big and strong and kill him.... bitch."
18. Mystique As a blue skinned, red head. Mystique is Marvel's most fuckable mutant. The best part is, she's a shape shifter. So, if you want Lindsey Lohan or Nathan Fillion... give her a call.
17. Brainiac Can someone please tell me why his name is so retarded?
16. Black Adam Um... I had a joke here, but I don't want to apologize to Jesse Jackson. Moving on...
15. Sinestro It takes a real badass to run around with pink skin and be intimidating. Sinestro pulls if off magnificently.
14. Red Skull Let's see. Nazi? Check. Personally schooled by Hitler? Check. Killed Captain America? Check. One of Marvel's best. You love to hate him.
13. Norman Osborn Hell yeah, my old buddy. Now this is a Spider-Man villain. None of this symbiote crap. I bet he'll be even higher once "Dark Reign" is over.
12. Two-Face Okay, the villains are all cool now, so I don't know what to say to make fun of them.
11. Catwoman Does she still count as a villain? If she does and Emma Frost is not on this, I call shenanigans.
10. Kingpin If Tony Soprano didn't see a shrink and didn't have Meadow for a daughter... Kingpin would have killed that piece of shit, AJ, years ago.
9. Dark Phoenix Jean Grey may be unfuckable. But Dark Phoenix? Yum... she can eat my galaxy any time.
8. Loki .... now that Loki is a chick... I want to fuck him... her, HER! Good god, please stay a chick. If you change back, I am going to feel really weird. Now, if only some hottie brunette would CosPlay as girl!Loki at Comic Con. ;)
7. Ra's Al Ghul So, Ra's here offers Batman an empire and his hot daughter to fuck. Batman says no. Batman is a moron.
6. Darkseid Poor Darkseid, he spent centuries looking for the Anti-Life equation. Little did he realize it was on Earth. "World of Warcraft" will eat your life. Should Darkseid ever figure that out... maybe he'll leave us alone once he gets sucked into it.
5. Galactus Legend says that if you laugh at his hat while he's eating your planet, he'll shit it out and eat it again. Don't laugh at his hat.
4. Lex Luthor Don't cause mentally deranged geniuses to lose their hair. No good can come of it.
3. Dr. Doom Doom is boycotting this blurb. For if he cannot be number one, we cannot mention him any further. Suck it up, Doom. Don't be a crybaby.
2. Joker He hijacked his arch-enemy's movie. TWICE! Throw in his B:TAS portrayal and the fact that he's the fucking Joker and we're shocked... shocked. If he's not #1 who is?

1. Magneto A shocker and yet, a no brainer. See? Multi-layered and complex villains are a GOOD THING. He's not just a comic book villain, Magneto is downright Shakespearan. Lex Luthor is pissed that Superman made him bald. Magneto is pissed because Nazis killed his people and tortured him. Luthor is a pussy.

And as promised... five better villains who have appeared in comics than MODOK. Demona, Thailog, Xanatos, Megatron, Vulture. I could go on, but I won't.

4 comments:

  1. Hey now cut MODOK some slack, yes he's completely ridiculous but that's kinda what makes him work. You just have to embrace the Kirbyesque insanity of it all. And you just know Grant Morrison probably has a dozen MODOK centric story ideas already sketched out on his notepad.

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  2. MODOK - As you point out, there are villains on this list who are less worthy than MODOK. He is silly, but I find him fun for his silliness.

    Mr. Mxyzptlk - "Mix-yes-spit-lick." (Almost) everything I know about the DCU, I learned from the animated series...es.

    Clayface - That was a weird episode, but Clayface reclaiming his missing piece was soome cool looking animation.

    Mr. Freeze - He is awesome, aside from that movie we don't talk about, but at least in the animated series continuity, he was usually a little too sympathetic to be an A-list guy. Great villain, but very centered on his one issue.

    Amanda Waller - How many short fat black women get to be action figures?

    Dormammu - Plus his head is one fire. That helps.

    Bane - He was in "Over the Edge" and was pretty awesome there, so I give him a bit of a pass. But dude, reinforce the tubes!

    Bullseye - The story my husband always tells to demonstrate his awesomeness is the time when Bullseye was in prison and he banged his head into the wall to knock out one of his teeth and KILLED THE GUARD WITH HIS TOOTH. Badass.

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  3. Why do you hate Venom? I've looked around your blog, but you don't have any posts explaining why, which does surprise me since I would figure you would explain why due to his popularity.

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  4. Have you looked at IGN's top 100 comic book heroes?

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