The Life & Times of an Auteur.

Commentary on Pop Culture, and maybe creating some of my own.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Another Stupid Retro Review...

Some things from your childhood are better left buried. Especially when you hated them in your childhood. Anyone remember "Challenge of the GoBots?" No? Feel lucky. Feel very, very lucky. However, being the spawn of Satan that I am, you are going to be reminded.

In the 1980s, there was a little show called "Transformers." "Transformers" was a big, dumb toy commercial. While it still is, it's since had incarnations of not dumb. "Beast Wars" and the more recent "Animated" being gold. But, the original "Transformers" was kind of dumb, but I loved it. And still have a soft spot for it, but I see it for what it was.

However, there was another show on at the same time. "Challenge of the GoBots." If "Transformers" was a big, dumb toy commercial, the GoBots were a retarded, festering, shit pile with AIDS in it. And being that this was the early 1980s, we never, ever talked about AIDS.

So, before we begin the pain, we are going to sing about AIDS:



Okay, now with that out of the way to alleviate the oncoming pain, on to the review.

"Challenge of the Gobots"
Crime Wave

Okay, I'm going to review this as I watch it. Someone better give me a blowjob when this is all over.

We open up with a familiar, twirling star. Hanna Barbera, this can't be good. And here is the theme song. I assume that is their home planet. A much more retarded version of Cybertron. It looks like a tiny testicle between two mushrooms. The Gobots come from Planet Testeshroom... that's what I'll call it from now on, until I get an official name. If we do, and I hate it, I will continue to call it Planet Testeshroom.

The theme song is very... boring. It's two words repeated over and over again. "The GoBots! The GoBots!" I wonder if someone was credited for writing it. Takeo Yamashita was credited for the lyrics of the "Lupin III" theme song, and all that is is "Lupin the third!" over and over again.



There you go, Robby. Your Lupin III reference. You know I pepper those in for you, right?

And now, we get to the title:

"Crime Wave"
Story and teleplay by Francis Moss

Here's his website, complete with an e-mail: http://www.francismoss.com/ I am not telling anyone of my readers to e-mail him with a link to this page. Do you understand how I am not telling you to do that?

Hey, he wrote episodes of "ExoSquad" and "Mighty Max!" Awesome. Francis, if you read this and anyone of my stupid readers does what I didn't tell them to do and e-mails you a link, know that this review is written with... well, not, love. But... "ExoSquad" ruled.

Okay, so we open with Leader 1 and Scooter flying over The City. Which city, you ask? I don't know. Since this is the 80s, I'm assuming that it is The City, and the Tick still hasn't moved here, and Arthur is in college majoring in accounting. American Maid is in Grenada fighting the enemies we didn't actually have there. Die Fledermaus is still a frat boy somewhere. Sewer Urchin is in the sewers minding his own business. Chairface Chippendale is a newly made man, and not yet the ruler of all crime in The City.

Moving on...

Leader 1 and Scooter are flying over The City. Scooter complains that this is murder on his nerves. ......

....

...... Scooter.

Let me show you a picture:



At this point, I want to look at the kid sidekicks from every incarnation of "Transformers." Bumblebee, Spike, Buster, Sam, Wheelie, Daniel, Cheetor, Proto-Human Kids, Kicker, Koji, Sideburn, and anyone else... I, Greg Bishansky, apologize for every mean thing I ever said about any of you. I was wrong. I was mean. You have nothing on Scooter.

So Scooter and Leader 1 are upset that the Renegades (either the bad robots on this show, or the some motorcycle gang trying to sound tough) haven't pulled any mischief in weeks. But, as Leader 1 points out, they can still keep busy. The two robots then proceed to foil a bank heist by the most stereotypical crooks in cartoon history. At this point, we learn they are called the Guardians.

Okay, so, let's get this straight

Guardians = Autobots Lite
Renegades = More retarded Decepticons.

Got that?

As the crooks attempt to escape, Scooter echoes with his voice that he is the police, and they are surrounded. And if you can hear Scooter's voice, you'd realize just how stupid and unbelievable that actually is. And then, the crooks actually fall for it! Well, this is The City. Maybe the cops sound like that.

Speaking of the crooks, I have got to show you how badly they are drawn!

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LOOK AT THEIR EYES AND MOUTHS! LOOK AT THAT!

The cops show up soon enough to make Scooter's cunning plan pointless, but he is blasted in the ass by Cy-Kill, the leader of the Renegades. Dear god. Cy-Kill is a colorful motorcycle, and Crasher is a transvestite race car. The sad thing is, I'm not making this up. That's what Crasher is.



Leader 1 vows that Cy-Kill will not get what he wants. But, it's too late. The crooks are escaping, which is apparently what Cy-Kill was after all along. The bank robbers. Because what would be more important to a world conquering alien robot than a little grand larceny. Say, kids, remember that time Megatron busted Charles Manson and his Family out of prison? Apparently the murderers of Sharon Tate and her unborn baby were an intricate part of his plan to build a giant purple griffin to conquer the Middle East.



Cy-Kill and the bad guys escape. Leader 1 is as perplexed as we all are, and Scooter throws a fit. He knows he won't like what Cy-Kill is up to. I'm guessing Cy-Kill just wants to hang out at the Bada Bing.

Meanwhile in one of The City's several million conveniently empty warehouses:

Cy-Kill meets with several figures in organized crime, not including their boss, Kincaid. He wants to meet with Kincaid and all the leaders of organized crime in one week. Which leads one to wonder just where Kincaid was. Well, I'll tell you where he was...

Kincaid was waiting for his appointment with Dr. Jennifer Melfi, a psychiatrist. I know because his appointment was right after mine:

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Dr. Melfi: How are you, Greg?
Me: .... the usual.
Dr. Melfi: When last we met, you were looking for a job.
Me: Yeah, well, gotta eat. But, for fuck's sake, there's nothing out there.
Dr. Melfi: Could this be tied to feelings of resentment towards your parents?
Me: What the fuck would my parents have to do with any of this!?
Dr. Melfi: I can see you are angry.
Me: You must have been at the top of your class.

ONE WEEK LATER

Some poorly dressed, Italian Americans meet in a lodge, where they are pissed off by a well dressed Italian slob. Just... go with it. Manchinson introduces Cy-Kill, Crasher, and um... another one. It turns out that Cy-Kill's nefarious plot is to arm the criminals of America with hi-tech weapons into a criminal army. What he gets out of it are loyal criminals to rule Earth for him while he conquers the galaxy.

LOL! I'm just kidding. I made Cy-Kill's plan there up? Do you think an alien Megatron-wannabe overlord would be that stupid??? HUH? Sigh... I'm lying. I didn't make it up.

So, the criminals begin their crime spree, and at one point, some stupid cops confuse a black race car with a low flying jet......... yup.

So, Cy-Kill is working with stupid criminals to steal from stupid cops. I miss Megatron.



Sigh... I wish I were getting killed over and over like Starscream here. It's probably less painful than GoBots

A bunch of criminals in a truck approach Fort Knox pretending to be there to pick up the garbage. The guard doesn't fall for it. FINALLY! SOMEONE WITH A BRAIN! I LOVE YOU, GUARD! But the crooks ram the gate with the truck, and an evil Renegade car gets out, and transforms into a robot with a beyond evil, Nazi-esque war helmet...

... I'm just kidding, he's wearing a top hat.

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I am tempted to stop this review now, as I doubt anything else can top the robot with the built in top hat.

We cut back to the Guardians. One of them looks an awful lot like Zartan, except he's red. His name is Turbo.

And I am learning something while watching this. Ever had little transforming robots that weren't Transformers, and sucked? That's right, they were GoBots.

So, the Renegades get away with the gold, and their crime sprees continue. Leader 1 decides to send his friend Matt with his 80s mustache to infiltrate the crooks.

Good god, this was back when we had a President with balls. Why can't Reagan just bomb them? You know he would the second they dared him too.

So, Matt dresses up like an 80s glam biker WITH A BIG MULLET and rides Scooter *snicker* to fool Cy-Kill. He's using the name, Leroy Palms. Um... yeah. And the well dressed slob is now a poorly dressed slob. No one can pull off a bow-tie. He tells the slob he wants to join him and he has hundreds of bikers ready to join.

Matt spies on Cy-Kill as we get exposition on how force fields are being provided to make the criminal army invincible. Because the criminals want to militarize. Hmm, how come Michael Corleone never thought of this.

Come to think of it, Cy-Kill, don't you think there were plenty of foreign dictators and terrorists who would have been MORE PRACTICAL TO MAKE THIS DEAL WITH!?

Matt overhears this and is about to escape when is captured by the trannie race car! Cy-Kill pulls of the MULLET!!!!! and recognizes him. Uh oh. Will Cy-Kill kill him now, or do something stupid? I haven't finished watching it, but I think we can all bet on stupid.

So, they lock Matt in a basement, but he is able to talk to Scooter through a window. God, what bad security. Cy-Kill puts two and two together too late once he is told that Matt was dressed like a biker and figures Scooter must be there. Hey, don't blame me, I said he should kill him.

Scooter escapes but the Renegades give chase, but are stopped by THE ALMIGHTY..... log. Yes, a log.

I hate this.

HOLY SHIT!!!!! I SPOKE TOO SOON!!!!

The criminals have militarized with Cy-Kill's weapons. Now they are dressed like... NAZIS! Complete with watered down swastikas too.

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Do I really need to caption this?

You know, Lucky Luciano and the Mafia helped us fight AGAINST THE NAZIS! Eh, whatever...

So, the Renegades and the Mafia Nazis are marching on the government. The military mobilizes to stop them. Leader 1 shows up to tell Cy-Kill that this time he's gone too far! I have to say that I agree. The Nazi Mafia is where I have to draw the line.

Remember when Michael Corleone was an American war hero in World War II?

The Guardians try to stop the Renegades and the Nazi Mafia but can't penetrate their force field. Leader 1 goes down, as does Red Zartan. The soldiers are zapped. And finally, Cy-Kill leads a marching army of Nazi Mafiosos.

Manchinson is riding in his limo, standing through the sunroof as if he was Hitler. I am not making this up. I swear to you, I am not.

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I think I need something to bring me back to normalcy. Something sane and rational.

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Ahhh... much better...

The Nazi Mafia arrives at the White House, which Manchinson declares his new home. We meet The Generic President. No wonder these dicks weren't bombed. This isn't Reagan. Ronald Reagan was a badass and wouldn't put up with this. The Generic President would. I'm guessing he's Jimmy Carter. So, let's call this Carter's second term. I always thought an evil alien motorcycle and Mafia Nazis would take over the world if Carter was re-elected.

Manchinson tells the President to get out, but Carter refuses until Cy-Kill breaks his ceiling and tells him to get out. Manchinson sits behind his desk, and declares that he is now the most powerful man in the world. Then he sends for the interns.

Outside, a GoBot helicopter named FlipTop carrying kid sidekicks shows up and rescues Matt from the Nazi Mafia. They've had enough. No Renegades or Al Pacino Nazis are going to spit on the flag. Jimmy Carter is president, dammit! Not Marlon Brando. It is time to bring that force field down.

Oh god, there are six minutes remaining. I don't think I can last. I'll try.

So, they return to the Mafia's hunting lodge where Matt dresses up as a scientist to bring down the force field. While, outside, a good helicopter and a bad one fight for no reason.

Oh god, the scientists all have German accents.

But Matt succeeds and the generator for the force fields come down. YAYE! The Nazi Mafia is easily taken down, and Manchinson is arrested in the Oval Office. No one saw the intern.

With no force field, Cy-Kill runs off like a pussy, only for him and the Renegades to engage in the most unexciting fight ever, which ends with them being thrown in a lake, only to be picked up by a space ship.

Leader 1 is not concerned. Let the Renegades escape, "they'll have painful reminders of the guardians."

Cy-Kill vows revenge. "Those Guardians will pay for this! And the price will be very high!"

The End

Please tell me you will make them watch this show. This show was painful. Beyond painful. It hurt to watch. God... Hanna Barbera and action just don't mix. Johnny Quest, this was not.

Nazi Mafiosos? Seriously?! God. I'm going crazy! CRAZY! Hmm, it has been a week since my last appointment with Dr. "Nice Legs" Melfi. Time to go...



Damn, Dr. Melfi is a bitch.

3 comments:

  1. I'd be willing to bet that you could guess the name of the GoBots home planet within three guesses. You already have all the information you need. Just to make your life easier, I will tell you what that information is:

    - The characters are collectively known as the "GoBots."

    - The "GoBots" TV show is a crappy ripoff of Transformers. (The toyline I'm more hesitant to call a ripoff. It's definitely simpler and generall inferior, but both lines started out in Japan (TransFormers as multiple Japanese tolyines) and Japan is so littered with tranforming robots that I can't say for certain what came first and what copied what.)

    - The Transformers home planet is called "Cybertron."

    That's all you need to know. Can you guess? Come on. Say the first, dumbest thing that comes into your head.

    That's right! It's "Gobotron!"

    Hey, you reminded me of the show. It's only fair that i give you additional knowledge of how painfully dumb it is.

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  2. The Nazi-Mafia are clearley in league with the Commie-Nazis!

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  3. This show sounds like it makes G1 transformers look like Gargoyles. At least transformers has moments that were laughably stupid, and moments that were funny on purpose.

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