The Life & Times of an Auteur.

Commentary on Pop Culture, and maybe creating some of my own.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Teenagers with attitude

So, Harlan Phoenix requested I write a mock article about Power Rangers. Now, I don't know a damn thing about Power Rangers, but, I guess I'll give it a shot. If this isn't funny, it's his fault. If it is funny... then something is deeply wrong with you. I'm disavowing all responsibility for this one.

Disclaimer: I know absolutely nothing about the Power Rangers. I am sure there are thousands of people out there that will be enraged by the facts I gloss over, or get wrong, and will feel the need to correct me. Please don't bother, it's not so much that I don't know, I also don't care. This is a mock article, and the views and opinions expressed here are all jokes.

So the Power Rangers were a media juggernaut that lasted much longer than it should have, and resulted in the cancellation of higher quality TV shows. A friend of mine, upon seeing an ad for them on the "Gargoyles" DVD set likened it to inviting a murderer to speak at a funeral.

The basic plot is this. Some wacko, over the top space cunt escapes from a bucket on the moon. She has weird hair, and wears Madonna's cone bra. Upon her release, her plan is to take over the world.

Following this, a creepy floating head in a jar, I don't know his name, so I'll call him Daryl orders his not so ambiguously gay robot to get off the phone with that Autobot, Tracks, and "recruit a team of teenagers with attitude!" ....

... Whoa, whoa, whoa... Hold it right there! Teenagers with attitude? To fight giant monsters and metal boob cones? Okay... not my first choice, but we'll go with it.

But now comes my next question. You asked for teenagers with attitude and this is what you got? Those were the whitest, most straight-edge teens in the history of television! Even the non-Caucasians were totally white!

I know Daryl lives in a jar, and has probably never seen the outside world, but if this is what he considers attitude, then he needs to watch more television. Urkel had more attitude than these vanillas. Kirk Cameron had more attitude than these ice cubes, but I don't think Kirk Cameron would agree to pilot a giant robot dinosaur. Kirk Cameron doesn't believe in dinosaurs. Daryl is a blasphemer.

So, we have a dull and uninteresting Red Ranger (who has gone on to retire and do gay porn... which kind of makes him interesting); a Blue Ranger who is a nerd as well as a super martial artist (in other words, he's every phony internet tough guy on xbox live); a Yellow Ranger who died in a car crash (no, I am not heartless enough to make a joke about this); a Black Ranger... who should be called the Oreo Ranger, again, totally white (so, he's Ninja Obama); and the Pink Ranger who is a total cunt (she went on to star in "Felicity" and has not been seen since... fanboys are still waiting for the Playboy photoshoot).

There was also an EVIL GREEN RANGER who became a good guy and was involved in some weird scandalous triangle with the Red and Pink Rangers... which was not kinky enough to be a ménage à trois because they're too vanilla for that. But, as near as I can tell the Pink Ranger was a homewrecker, because everyone knows Red and Green cum together... like Christmas!

And that's the team. They pilot their Voltron rip-off dinosaur robots and save their non-Los Angeles, non-San Diego, non-Sunnydale Southern California community from the Space Cunt's giant monsters every single day. And when they're not doing that, they're being bullied by two, leather clad retarded fat guys while hanging out at a juice bar... a juice bar, where all the teenagers with attitude hang out.

Eventually, the Space Cunt's action figure stopped selling, and she got replaced with the new baddie, the evil Lord Zedd. Lord Zedd was supposed to be some new, unstoppable threat, but, well, unless you're Dr. Manhattan, you can't get away with walking around naked 24/7. He was so naked, he didn't even have his skin.

Okay, I am going to check TV Tropes' page on this shitfest of a TV show. Give me a few moments.

Okay, so Lord Zedd and the Space Cunt eventually get married. The sex they have must be even creepier than Jonas Venture Jr's and Sally Impossible's skinless, freak sex. But wait, there's more... the wedding is a JEWISH WEDDING! Our evil overlords are Jews. Is that why Daryl is their enemy? I was never clear on that.

Now, I know some of you will say, "Daryl isn't racist. Look at his multi-ethnic team of teenagers with attitudes!" No, they were NOT multi-ethnic. They were the whitest team ever. They were whiter than the Fantastic Four! The Black Ranger may as well have been a white guy in black face.

But, this show can't be some kind of white supremacist propaganda, I mean, it was owned by Haim Saban who is both Jewish and a Zionist. Unless he was too busy rolling naked in mountains of cash with Swedish supermodels to notice, and just signed the checks. Actually, considering that Harlan Phoenix just told me there was an entire season that was pro-racism, this may have been the case.

Still, no matter how you slice it, this pro-racist turd went on for seventeen seasons. All along, these "Teenagers with attitude" being guided by their mentor, Daryl, who I can only conclude is the disembodied head of Heinrich Himmler... he must have felt bad that his dead Fuhrer didn't have robot dinosaurs in his war machine.

Haim Saban, you are a disgrace to God's chosen people.

Youth of America, you should have watched "Gargoyles" instead. Imagine all the seasons and the spin-offs we could have gotten.

There Harlan, you happy? I wrote up your mock article. Now pardon me while I never waste brain cells on the Power Rangers ever again.

Edit: I know I asked not to be corrected or enlightened, but someone sent me this, and I had to share:

Yes... Lord Zedd is a Space Jew. You think that's fucked up? You wanna know what his plot for the Christmas Episode was? His plan was to hijack Santa's workshop and replace all the toys with ones of his own design, that would brainwash all the good children of the world to be evil. This toy could only be called...a hypno-dreidel.

The evil space jew's plot was to ruin Christmas by giving out dreidels

I'm going to go lie down now.


  1. Hypno-dreidels? Don't remember that one, but what do you expect from a show that stuck the token Asian in yellow spandex?

  2. The Pink Ranger is currently starring in Flashpoint.