The Life & Times of an Auteur.

Commentary on Pop Culture, and maybe creating some of my own.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Something Stupid

This sucks, and is more than a little dumb, but I wrote this up years ago, and found it while going through my old folders.

How "Seinfeld" should have ended....


November 10th, 1995.
42nd Street, Manhattan.

The streets of Manhattan roared with the sound of car horns as cars stood still waiting for a chance to move. Traffic was at a full stop, but the sidewalks were packed as people left work for home or other commitments. It was in front of one electronics store that four annoying New Yorkers whose only company could stand them was each other stood.

"Can you believe this? Jerry Seinfeld whined as he noticed the televisions in the window. "This crap has been playing all day today, non-stop on every channel."

Jerry motioned towards the TVs, where the visage of a blue skinned, red-headed woman, with pointed hears and a gold tiara was chanting in Latin. "Omnes conspecti, omnes auditi In nocte usque ad saxum commutate Dum caelum ardeat!"

"I know," his childhood friend, George Costanza snorted. "I woke up today to my mother screaming because she couldn't watch 'Maury.' I spent most of the day watching this."

Elaine Benes rolled her eyes, "most of the day?"

"What do you expect me to do? I'm unemployed."

"Oh, I don't know," the woman mocked. "Look for a job. I'm sure there are plenty of temp agencies open." She paused, changing the subject. "This is actually my first time seeing this. Some of us actually work for a living."

"Hey," Jerry snapped. "I'm a comedian, I work."

"Writing jokes between stand-up gigs is not work," Elaine shot back.

"I tell you, Jerry, something weird is going on." Kramer said, taking his attention off the woman on the television for the first time. "My friend, Bob Sackamento told me he's seen gargoyles, and now this witch thing is on the TV. I suspect a connection."

"Oh, Kramer, don't tell me you believe that crap about real life gargoyles in New York. Look at her," Jerry yelled. "That make up is so fake, she looks like she stepped off the set of 'Star Trek'."

"It's the end of days, Jerry." Kramer said. "The Mayans predicted all this. In seventeen years, the world is going to end."

"Look at her," George said. "I can see it in her eyes. This woman hates me. I find her irresistible."

"Omnes conspecti, omnes auditi In nocte usque ad saxum commutate Dum caelum ardeat!"

Jerry looked at his watch, "well, if we hurry, we can make it to the next showing of that new Jim Carrey movie."

"You're going to see the "Ace Ventura" sequel?" Elaine said, feigning shock.

"Well, better than spending the rest of the evening watching the blue vulcan here." Jerry replied. "You coming?"

"No, thanks," Elaine replied. "I've got a date with Puddy." She looked at her watch. "Which I am going to be late for if I don't...."

The sun set, and the four New Yorkers, along with everyone else on the street petrified, transforming from flesh and blood to stone statues.

Moments later, a winged figure landed on the street. She took in the statues and smirked, like an arrogant artist admiring her own work. Unhooking the mace from her belt, she approached the four statues standing in front of the TVs, and raised the weapon above her head before bringing it down hard.

The End.


I have it on good authority that the cast of "Friends" is two blocks away, and Demona will get to them within twenty minutes. Raymond Barone fell down a flight of stairs and shattered after his bitch of a wife refused to have sex with him. Paul and Jamie Buchman met their untimely demise on a subway train that crashed.

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