The Life & Times of an Auteur.

Commentary on Pop Culture, and maybe creating some of my own.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Something Stupid

This sucks, and is more than a little dumb, but I wrote this up years ago, and found it while going through my old folders.

How "Seinfeld" should have ended....


November 10th, 1995.
42nd Street, Manhattan.

The streets of Manhattan roared with the sound of car horns as cars stood still waiting for a chance to move. Traffic was at a full stop, but the sidewalks were packed as people left work for home or other commitments. It was in front of one electronics store that four annoying New Yorkers whose only company could stand them was each other stood.

"Can you believe this? Jerry Seinfeld whined as he noticed the televisions in the window. "This crap has been playing all day today, non-stop on every channel."

Jerry motioned towards the TVs, where the visage of a blue skinned, red-headed woman, with pointed hears and a gold tiara was chanting in Latin. "Omnes conspecti, omnes auditi In nocte usque ad saxum commutate Dum caelum ardeat!"

"I know," his childhood friend, George Costanza snorted. "I woke up today to my mother screaming because she couldn't watch 'Maury.' I spent most of the day watching this."

Elaine Benes rolled her eyes, "most of the day?"

"What do you expect me to do? I'm unemployed."

"Oh, I don't know," the woman mocked. "Look for a job. I'm sure there are plenty of temp agencies open." She paused, changing the subject. "This is actually my first time seeing this. Some of us actually work for a living."

"Hey," Jerry snapped. "I'm a comedian, I work."

"Writing jokes between stand-up gigs is not work," Elaine shot back.

"I tell you, Jerry, something weird is going on." Kramer said, taking his attention off the woman on the television for the first time. "My friend, Bob Sackamento told me he's seen gargoyles, and now this witch thing is on the TV. I suspect a connection."

"Oh, Kramer, don't tell me you believe that crap about real life gargoyles in New York. Look at her," Jerry yelled. "That make up is so fake, she looks like she stepped off the set of 'Star Trek'."

"It's the end of days, Jerry." Kramer said. "The Mayans predicted all this. In seventeen years, the world is going to end."

"Look at her," George said. "I can see it in her eyes. This woman hates me. I find her irresistible."

"Omnes conspecti, omnes auditi In nocte usque ad saxum commutate Dum caelum ardeat!"

Jerry looked at his watch, "well, if we hurry, we can make it to the next showing of that new Jim Carrey movie."

"You're going to see the "Ace Ventura" sequel?" Elaine said, feigning shock.

"Well, better than spending the rest of the evening watching the blue vulcan here." Jerry replied. "You coming?"

"No, thanks," Elaine replied. "I've got a date with Puddy." She looked at her watch. "Which I am going to be late for if I don't...."

The sun set, and the four New Yorkers, along with everyone else on the street petrified, transforming from flesh and blood to stone statues.

Moments later, a winged figure landed on the street. She took in the statues and smirked, like an arrogant artist admiring her own work. Unhooking the mace from her belt, she approached the four statues standing in front of the TVs, and raised the weapon above her head before bringing it down hard.

The End.


I have it on good authority that the cast of "Friends" is two blocks away, and Demona will get to them within twenty minutes. Raymond Barone fell down a flight of stairs and shattered after his bitch of a wife refused to have sex with him. Paul and Jamie Buchman met their untimely demise on a subway train that crashed.

Monday, August 23, 2010


I finally finished "W.I.T.C.H." I will admit, season one (while it did pleasantly surprise me) was a chore to get through. It took me several days. On the other hand, I watched the entire second season in less than twenty-four hours. And not to kiss his ass, but Weisman's just that good. ;)

I'll confess, I skipped the show when it first aired because of, well... sigh... I'm sure you can guess. The premise just seemed way, way, way too girly.

I mean, look at this:

Then I remembered how I defended "Spectacular Spider-Man" from all the people who didn't want to watch it because of the animation style, and if "Gargoyles" taught me one thing it was not to judge a book by its cover.

I was originally going to skip the first season because I heard it was a bit of a mess and jump into the second season. But a few people, including Greg Weisman, told me to watch the first season, or else I would have been lost watching the second season. I can honestly say that they were right.

I think my big issue with the first season was the pacing, I think that particular story could have been told in thirteen episodes instead of being stretched out over twenty-six. It just felt very repetitive, and I got sick of seeing them constantly kick Cedric's ass. He lost all sense of menace pretty quick.

Season two, well, like I said, I watched it in less than twenty-four hours. I finished "Z Is For Zenith" less than an hour before I began typing this. I think I'll start with the large cast, which seems to be a feature in every series you produce. I don't feel like anybody got the short end of the stick. Will, being the lead, of course got the most time. Everyone else was well balanced also. Casts this big can be pretty hard to juggle. Five main characters, and so many supporting characters, recurring characters, villains, etc.

Irma was probably my favorite of the Guardians. She just had so much spunk. A huge sense of humor. I enjoyed how she often seemed like she would be the most fun to hang out with, but at the same time, probably the meanest when she was in a bad mood. Cornelia at her worst has nothing on a pissed off Irma. Very scary. God help you if you push her to anger. I've known people like that in real life, but I find that TV seldom ever does it well. So I have to commend a series that can take someone so likable and make them nasty without losing their likability. The theme of the season seemed to be growing up. Hay-Lin and Taranee change and grow the most this season. Cornelia does well too, learning to be a better sister to Lillian. Will growing in her powers, as a leader, in her relationship with her parents, and their new love interests, and in her own relationship with Matt.

Ironically, Irma seems to change the least over the course of the season, but that's okay, because she still got a lot of characterization.

Surprising nobody, my favorite character in the series was Nerissa. She always kept me guessing. Going through the series for the second time, I could really see her master plan and all the pipe-laying for her. I probably shouldn't mention season one, but I paid much more attention to Trill this time, as well as the Mage. Nerissa just seemed to be everywhere, pulling everybody's strings. I liked the twist that she wasn't really out for vengeance, which is a twist that made sense. Watching it the first time, I asked myself why would she want to avenge Phobos, she wasn't there. Well, she was, but you know what I mean. The Knights were all a distraction, and the second time, that seemed much more obvious. But I enjoyed how cold and intelligent she was. She was always scheming; always Machiavellian; and two steps ahead of everyone; all the while carrying around a mountain of repressed guilt. I once described her to a friend with the following words: "imagine if Xanatos and Demona had a baby together, that child would be Nerissa." She reminded me quite a bit of Demona at times... mostly the notion of her being unable to accept responsibility for Cassidy's death. And, not to sound like a pervert, but I couldn't help but read some subtext into Nerissa and Cass being lovers (her line "You don't know what Cassidy meant to me" waved a big red flag in my face). I thought Kath Soucie did a magnificent job.

I must also say that the twist that Nerissa was Caleb's mother was brilliant. As I understand it, this was not the case I the original comic book. But I enjoyed it; I thought it worked quite well. It also made things even more chilling in that, when you think about it, she essentially raped Julian. Rape by deception is still rape, and that's not something you see often in a cartoon. It almost reminds me of Merlin helping Uther deceive Igraine in order to create King Arthur.

And then there was Prince Phobos. It's impossible to discuss what was done with him in the second season without talking about the first. I thought he was pretty one note throughout the first season, but season two did something far different with him, and you really felt how this guy could have held the entire world of Meridian under his control for so long.

I felt the same way about Lord Cedric, he got old really fast in the first season, and when he finally gets out of his cell in season two, he's not doing much that he didn't do in the first season until what had to be the shock moment of the entire season. I won't say anymore, but it was nice to see a character I thought so poorly of get that moment. What inspired that twist, I wonder.

The Shagon mini-arc was very well done too. It seems to be a theme in Weisman produced shows to have a character change into something else, all under the control of a villain. David Xanatos turned Derek Maza into Talon; the Green Goblin turned Mark Allan into Molten Man; and Nerissa turns Matt into Shagon. What I also enjoy is just how different each of these scenarios really are. Shagon was a nice personal antagonist towards Will. As I understand it, this is another case where the TV series deviated from the comics for the better. Turning Matt into Shagon just gives that character a lot more chemistry with our heroes than he otherwise would have had.

Would I have liked to see a third season? Sure. But aside from the mystery of who this new teacher was, I thought it was all wrapped up very well, and didn't leave me "needing" to see more the same way "Gargoyles" and "Spectacular Spider-Man" did. It was great television, and I'm sorry I didn't get to see it when it was originally airing. It's not a series I would have watched if Greg Weisman's name wasn't on it, but I enjoyed it a lot. It's good TV, and it was a lot of fun. I'm sorry it took me so long to get past the pixie wings and watch it.
Two more things to note:

1. Will's dad traded down. Will's mom is a total MILF. Nerissa was pretty damn hot once she was de-hagged also.

2. Brenda and Marco made me smile. ;)

Thursday, August 19, 2010

It's funny because it's true.


Surely, the nerd gods shall punish me for my hubris.