The Life & Times of an Auteur.

Commentary on Pop Culture, and maybe creating some of my own.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Fongaluli - A Review...

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You know, I never thought I'd review a softcore flick. But, this one was just too absurd, even by softcore standards to not mention.

Okay, so this thing is called "Fongaluli" and it was made in 1974. The production values are about on par with "Manos: The Hands of Fate" except maybe a little worse. The lighting was worse, the special effects (if you can call them that) were worse. And they had to be using the cheapest booms in the world, assuming they were recording sound at all. Actually, I think they dubbed in the dialogue later like in a Godzilla movie.

The star of our story is Professor Vertsisa, who is having these weird psychedelic dreams about naked women with animal heads. Think porn stars wearing the cheapest rubber masks in the world. Well, the prof eventually falls in love with a lobster, and feeds it some juice called "Fongaluli" from a weird magic island, and turns the lobster into a naked human girl... who he feels up and says he wants to make babies with. After she learns to walk on two legs, she turns back into a lobster, and they need to get more "fongaluli" as the prof has only a limited amount.

So, they go back to the island and are walking on the beach, only it's not a beach, it's a giant naked woman they are walking across. The giant decides she wants the prof to pleasure her, so he walks inside her vagina and uses her clit as a punching bag to get the giant off.

Lobster Girl, while human, learns all about pleasuring herself and how awesome being human is because lobsters don't experience pleasure. They don't have girl parts and erogenous zones. Of course, they're also running away from giant lizards and such, which are actually just regular animals filmed from down angles. Isn't it great that Orson Welles invented shots like this?

After a series of misadventures involving island native cannibals, a jerkass sailor who deflowers Lobster Girl, ghosts, and then a witch, the prof gets turned into a lobster, and Lobster Girl returns to her lobster form, where they both finally have sex on the beach before going home to meet Lobster Girl's mother... who is the best cook ever.

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And just as Lobster Girl's lobster mom is the best cook ever, this is clearly the best movie ever. If you ever wondered what would happen if Dr. Moreau, Timothy Leary, and Hugh Hefner would do if they ever got together to make a movie, this is your answer.

4 comments:

  1. ...I don't even.

    If it's any consolation for subjecting yourself to this thing, my girlfriend and I just read your review together and laughed uproariously. So, at least "Fongaluli" has brought some pleasure into the world...just, perhaps not the sort that was intended. XD

    Oh, and to the filmmakers: if your softcore doesn't feature a flock of domineering lesbians, I ain't interested. ;P

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  2. ?, what the FUCK were the drugs they were on when they came up with THIS!? Is a standard porn flick too much to ask? Is there seriously an audience of people out there who watch porn that were waiting for something like THIS? Actually considering that there are pedophiles who fantasize about children (hell there's groups dedicated to trying to justify it, as if it were as natural and misunderstood as interracial marriage), I guess I'd rather NOT know what sick things a portion of the human race are capable of fantasizing about.

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  3. I guess none of you ever heard of underground filmmaking or are you all too young to have heard of Jonas Mekas, or the Kuchar brothers et. al. Films like "THE SINS OF THE FLESHAPOIDS" and many others of the Sixties Experimental film makers.
    You also have never heard of absurd theater. All your comments show a lack of understanding of the history of experimental filmmaking.
    This film is and was meant to be absurd so your observance is correct. What you don't realize is it is all meant to be absurd and funny because it isa spoof of porn. Not meant to be one.
    There are no lights, no booms, no scripts, and a budget of $5,000 shot on location with just a cameraman and myself and a Sennheiser Mic.
    It played around the world and was co feature to THE STING in Canada. If you can do better for that money and still get reviewed by amateur critics forty years later then you too can become an Eduardo Cemano who in reality is Ed Seeman who Frank Zappa thought of as genius enough to let him be his personal filmmaker and spend two years shootong footage that wound up as "UNCLE MEAT".
    and with Frank as my mentor ABSURDITY was CREATIVITY.
    I advise all you artist blindmen to purchase my DVD which has all the interviews and director voice overs that will explain what you all misunderstood. My trilogy of three of my best erotic features (anti porns) are now in release over forty years after they were made.
    "Eduardo Cemano's Sexual Healing Trilogy"
    and to know more about me and my careers just google Ed Seeman and Eduardo Cemano and plow through the thousands of pages to learn about who you are ignoantly putting down with your misunderstanding about ART!

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  4. Buy the DVD of Three Erotic Feature films by Eduardo Cemano A.K.A. Ed Seeman with interviews and Director voice overs to really understand what you were all looking at.
    "EDUARDO CEMANO'S SEXUAL HEALING TRILOGY"

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