Friday, June 10, 2011
Fongaluli - A Review...
You know, I never thought I'd review a softcore flick. But, this one was just too absurd, even by softcore standards to not mention.
Okay, so this thing is called "Fongaluli" and it was made in 1974. The production values are about on par with "Manos: The Hands of Fate" except maybe a little worse. The lighting was worse, the special effects (if you can call them that) were worse. And they had to be using the cheapest booms in the world, assuming they were recording sound at all. Actually, I think they dubbed in the dialogue later like in a Godzilla movie.
The star of our story is Professor Vertsisa, who is having these weird psychedelic dreams about naked women with animal heads. Think porn stars wearing the cheapest rubber masks in the world. Well, the prof eventually falls in love with a lobster, and feeds it some juice called "Fongaluli" from a weird magic island, and turns the lobster into a naked human girl... who he feels up and says he wants to make babies with. After she learns to walk on two legs, she turns back into a lobster, and they need to get more "fongaluli" as the prof has only a limited amount.
So, they go back to the island and are walking on the beach, only it's not a beach, it's a giant naked woman they are walking across. The giant decides she wants the prof to pleasure her, so he walks inside her vagina and uses her clit as a punching bag to get the giant off.
Lobster Girl, while human, learns all about pleasuring herself and how awesome being human is because lobsters don't experience pleasure. They don't have girl parts and erogenous zones. Of course, they're also running away from giant lizards and such, which are actually just regular animals filmed from down angles. Isn't it great that Orson Welles invented shots like this?
After a series of misadventures involving island native cannibals, a jerkass sailor who deflowers Lobster Girl, ghosts, and then a witch, the prof gets turned into a lobster, and Lobster Girl returns to her lobster form, where they both finally have sex on the beach before going home to meet Lobster Girl's mother... who is the best cook ever.
And just as Lobster Girl's lobster mom is the best cook ever, this is clearly the best movie ever. If you ever wondered what would happen if Dr. Moreau, Timothy Leary, and Hugh Hefner would do if they ever got together to make a movie, this is your answer.