Friday, September 9, 2011
A Typical Episode of the 90s Spider-Man cartoon
NOTE: I did not write this. This was written by Hobo-Goblin of the Spider-Man Crawlspace Message Board. And I am reprinting it here for fun. The original can be found here.
(It is a sunny day on the ESU campus. Muscular everyman PETER PARKER spies his one true love, MARY JANE WATSON nearby.)
PETER: There’s Mary Jane. I’m gonna go talk to her!
(We suddenly hear a disembodied voice- PETER’S NARRATION.)
PETER’S NARRATION: Best not to get involved with her. My horrible mutation disease will only drive her away.
PETER: But then again, maybe it won’t be like that. And DAMN, those jeans must be painted on!
PETER’S NARRATION: No, she couldn’t possibly love me. I’d better just not go over there.
(Mary Jane sees Peter looking at her and shouts over to him.)
MARY JANE: (Overacts) Oh Peter! I love you! Ohhhh!
PETER’S NARRATION: Holy crap, you’re golden! Go for it, buddy!
PETER: (Dubious) What?? Wasn’t I just thinking I shouldn’t go over there?
PETER’S NARRATION: Look, just stop talking to yourself before people think we’re Deadpool.
PETER: You mean “Destroypool”.
PETER’S NARRATION: Uh, right.
(Peter starts walking over to MJ, but FLASH THOMPSON blocks his path.)
FLASH: Well, well! If it isn’t “Puny Parker”!
PETER: Flash, I’m more jacked than you. Why do you insist on calling me that?
FLASH: Haw! Look at the scrawny wimp think he’s all big! You’re a wimp who is also scrawny, Parker!
PETER: Out of my way, Thompson!
(Peter throws a punch…which turns into a grab at Flash’s jacket mid-flight. Peter easily hoists Flash over his head. Flash looks down at him and laughs.)
FLASH: HAW! Look at Puny Parker think he’s tough! You’re a weak wimpy wuss!
PETER: (Angry) STAAA-OP MOCKING MEAAAAAAAGH!!!
(Peter throws Flash twenty feet into the air. Flash lands with a violent thud on his head, then just gets back up and starts laughing again.)
FLASH: Ha! Puny Parker can’t even throw me right! What a loser!
(Everyone in the immediate vicinity stops what they are doing to point and laugh at Peter. Peter looks down, fuming.)
PETER’S NARRATION: I’m such an outcast! A handsome, muscular outcast!
(Suddenly, from out of the sky, MORBIUS the Living Vampire swoops down!)
MORBIUS: Bleh! I hunger foar deh plasmah!
PETER: Oh no! My most enduring, implacable foe, Morbius!
(Morbius snatches Mary Jane off the ground and begins to fly away. Peter reaches out to Morbius’ retreating form with a desperate, outstretched arm.)
PETER: (Screams) MAAARY-JAAAAAAA-NE!
(Morbius flies through the city, carrying Mary Jane to his secret hideout. He passes the DAILY BUGLE building. J. JONAH JAMESON and ROBBIE ROBERTSON run out onto the street, seeing Morbius pass overhead. Jonah looks to some nearby cops and shouts at them.)
JONAH: Quick, shoot him with your standard-issue police lasers!
ROBBIE: Jonah, as an outspoken yet reasonable black man who knows his place, I must say that’s a bad idea! They’ll hit the girl!
JONAH: (Not listening) I’ll bet Spider-Man is behind this!
(Detective TERRI LEE walks up behind Jonah.)
TERRI LEE: Jonah, Spider-Man is a good guy!
JONAH: I refuse to listen, Ethnic Jean DeWolff stand-in!
(Meanwhile, SPIDER-MAN is swinging between incredibly poor-looking CGI buildings, trying to catch up with Morbius.)
SPIDER-MAN: If I don’t get there in time, my worst enemy Morbius will hand-suck Mary Jane‘s plasma and possibly send her to the next dimension! I’ve got to hurry!
(Suddenly Spider-Man is surrounded by pink mist and we hear another disembodied voice.)
MADAME WEB: Spi-dah Meah-An...
SPIDER-MAN: Oh go the fuck away.
MADAME WEB: I’m Stan Lee’s wife and you WILL listen to my extremely tedious platitudes!
SPIDER-MAN: Sigh, fine. God!
(Meanwhile, the KINGPIN of Crime watches events unfold on a giant monitor with his lieutenant HERBERT LANDON.)
KINGPIN: Behold the power of cheese, eh Landon?
HERBERT LANDON: Why am I here? Why am I Two-Face?
KINGPIN: (Laughs heartily) Indeed!
(Meanwhile, having endured Madame Web’s banality, Spider-Man arrives at his worst enemy Morbius’ secret hideout.)
SPIDER-MAN’S NARRATION: A perfect place for a trap! I’d better be careful!
SPIDER-MAN: Shut up, narration! You don’t own me!
(Suddenly there’s an explosion. Spider-Man leaps away from it, web-swings through a different setting for a moment, then returns to the Morbius secret hideout backdrop. Spider-Man kicks open a door and finds his worst enemy Morbius inside, with Mary Jane tied to a pillar nearby.)
MORBIUS: My secret hideout! How did you find it?
SPIDER-MAN: Let’s just say an old lady told me.
MORBIUS: Very well! Let our epic struggle commence!
(Spider-Man fires a web at Morbius, it sticks to him. He rips it off. Spider-Man jumps at him. Morbius steps aside so Spider-Man just tackles air. Then Morbius tackles Spider-Man and sends the two of them to the ground, rolling back and forth together. Suddenly, we hear another voice from off-screen.)
WOLVERINE: You two girls done foolin’ around?
(Spider-Man and Morbius get up and see WOLVERINE standing there for no reason.)
SPIDER-MAN: What? There’s nothing wrong with two grown men in tight uniforms rolling around on the ground and grasping at each other!
MARY JANE: I’ll say.
WOLVERINE: I’m here for a gratuitous guest appearance! Anyone lookin’ to start trouble? Cuz I got trouble… (unsheathes claws) -RIGHT HERE. And by "trouble", I mean these claws.
MORBIUS: No! I must find a cure for myself and my horrible condition so I won’t bother you anymore!
SPIDER-MAN: I’ll NEVER let you cure yourself, Morbius!
MORBIUS: (Pleading) Why are you so cruel???
(Wolverine unsheathes his claws and charges at Morbius, screaming. Morbius stands perfectly still as Wolverine runs…right past him, keeps going until he reaches a metal pillar that is roughly twenty feet behind Morbius, and slashes at its base repeatedly. Morbius and Spider-Man just stand still and watch him as he keep slashing. Finally, he cuts all the way through and the pillar falls towards Morbius. Morbius raises his arms in apparent shock, but makes no move to avoid it. The pillar falls on Morbius, pinning him to the ground.)
MORBIUS: AH! Noooo! Now I’ll never get to be with my beloved Fel-eeee-sha!
WOLVERINE: Serves ya right. (Looks off-screen) You can take it from here, Blade.
BLADE: (Runs in) KNOWING SPIDER-MAN DOES NOT…MAKE YOU…”COOOOOOL”!
(Spider-Man web-swings away, without Mary Jane, because that’d require the use of NON-stock animation.)
SPIDER-MAN’s NARRATION: Maybe one day I’ll make up for allowing my Uncle Ben to be destroyed by a thug with a laser, but for now…I MUST SWING ON!