The Life & Times of an Auteur.

Commentary on Pop Culture, and maybe creating some of my own.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Young Justice - As You Demanded It!

Some people have been complaining about "Young Justice." A lot of people don't seem to like the teenage angst, how Superman is... concerned... about being cloned against his will, and some even think the villains are way too smart. I decided to give them something that I think will be more up their alley.

Mount Justice -- Other cartoons don't give date and time stamps, we should stop putting in the effort.

Superman lands in the cave and finds Superboy.

Superboy: Daddy! I missed you!

Superboy leaps off the couch and runs up to Superman where the two hug and kiss.

Superman: Ready for the picnic, junior?

Superboy: Gee whiz, dad. Can I bring my girlfriend, Megan?

Superman: I don't see why not. How are you and the rest of the team faring?

Superboy: Terrific. Aqualad is my best friend in the whole world.

Superman: I'm glad to hear it. I love you, junior.

Superboy: I love you too, dad.

The Hall of Doom

Vandal Savage stands at his podium and addresses the Legion of Doom.

Vandal Savage: Our mole within Mount Justice tells us that Superman, Superboy, and that teenage martian are going for a picnic in the Golden Meadow of Friendship. Now is the time to strike. Bwa ha ha!

Lex Luthor: Vandal, what have I told you about stealing my lines?

Vandal Savage: Oh, I am so sorry, Mr. Luthor. I forgot that you are the only one allowed to be the Uber-Supervillain in an animated DC show.

Queen Bee: Like, yeah, Vandal. Show some respect.

Queen Bee gets up and starts giving Lex Luthor a lap dance. Vandal Savage sits down in his seat and Luthor stands at the podium as Queen Bee continues to give him a G-rated dry-humping.

Lex Luthor: Our mole within Mount Justice tells us that Superman, Superboy, and that teenage martian are going for a picnic in the Golden Meadow of Friendship. Now is the time to strike. Bwa ha ha!

Ra's al Ghul:  Brilliant strategy, my lord Luthor. Brilliant.

A hockey puck slides across the room and Sportsmaster, Cheshire, and Red Volcano come into the great room on roller blades chasing it.

Lex Luthor: Sportsmaster, you fool! Does this look like a playground? We are conducting important work here! Bwa ha ha!

Sportsmaster: I'm sorry, Mr. Luthor. Please don't holler at me.

Lex Luthor: Well, you should be.

Klarion: What if we make a Kryptonite hockey puck, go to the Golden Meadow of Friendship and challenge Superman and those teeny boppers to a hockey game?

Lex Luthor: Brilliant plan, I'm glad I thought of it. Bwa ha ha!

The assembled villains all join him in an echoing Bwa ha ha!

The Golden Meadow of Friendship - On a bright and sunny day

Superman stands at the barbeque making weenies and hamburgers while Superboy and Miss Martian play checkers.

Superman: Hamburger or hotdog?

Superboy: Veggieburger, dad. Cows have feelings too, we shouldn't eat them.

Miss Martian: How progressive of you, Superboy. I love you.

Miss Martian leans in to kiss him on the cheek, but Superboy pulls away.

Superboy: Now, now, M'Gann. Not until we are married.

Miss Martian: Hello, Megan! What was I thinking? I'm so sorry.

Superman: You're both great kids.

Suddenly, an evil flying saucer descends in the Golden Meadow of Friendship and out of it step Lex Luthor, Vandal Savage, Sportsmaster, Klarion, and Queen Bee. The guys all wearing roller blades and hockey masks. Queen Bee dressed as a cheerleader.

Lex Luthor: Hello, Superfool!

Superman: Luthor. What do you want now?

Lex Luthor: A challenge. If your team can beat us at hockey, you can throw us all in jail where we will reflect on the nasty things we have done, reform and eventually take jobs at the Peace Corps. But if we win, you and the Justice League surrender... and the Legion of Doom shall spread The Dark all across the world!

Superman: Looks like we have no choice. Let me assemble my team.

Lex Luthor: By all means.

Aqualad, Kid Flash, Robin, Zatanna and Artemis arrive. All dressed in hockey uniforms, except the girls who are dressed as cheerleaders. Superman and Superboy don hockey uniforms and rollerblades too, while Miss Martian joins Artemis and Zatanna, opposite Queen Bee as cheerleaders.

Lex Luthor: Let the game begin.

Sportsmaster hits the kryptonite puck with his hockey stick, sending it flying towards Superman!!!!! But Kid Flash spots it, and using the Speed Force, he runs at ten times the speed of light to grab the kryptonite before it can hit Superman and throws it into space, directly towards the center of the sun.

Lex Luthor: No!

Superman: Cheaters never prosper, Luthor.

The young heroes and Superman capture the Legion of Doom.

Lex Luthor: Bah! No prison can hold us, we'll be back to menace you all next week!

Robin: And we'll be waiting, baldy!

The Legion of Doom are taken away, and Superman and heroes turn towards the camera.

Superman: And remember, winners don't use drugs. Right kids?

Superboy, Robin, Miss Martian, Artemis, Kid Flash, Zatanna: Right, Supes!

We fade to black as they all laugh.


  1. Okay...I'll admit, I would totally watch this show. If only for more of those "The Dark" moments. XD

    In any event, though, you forgot a Mark Hamill-voiced Joker in every single scene, Robin somber and emo and never doing wordplay again, M'gann never speaking, Dr. Fate being a hunky-dory friendly guy who the Team makes instant best friends with and who never possesses anyone because that's mean...

    1. Lots of things inspired this... but the final straw was this post on ToonZone:

      "I gotta be honest with you, after "Alpha Male" I've grown rather hesitant to watch Young Justice in fear of what i might see and hear leading to embarrassing fantasies in my head for the very characters i felt sympathy for in the episode. What i mean is: in "Alpha Male" i felt sorry for Aqualad, but i also was uncomfortable with the sudden friction between Conner and M'Gaann (or however you spell it). Now i'm a little unsure of what to expect from the characters in the episodes that followed. But with my curiosity getting the better of me, i'm not sure i can be left out of the loop much longer So please, humor me, in the episodes that came afterwards, how were the characters behaving? Who got the short end of the stick or the negative comments? Please answer me"

      Hmm, guess there is an audience for Marge Simpson's ideal version of Itchy and Scratchy.

    2. Who posted this? Tell them to go back to watching the teletubbies or whatever show they watch where nothing bad happens all the time.

      I agree with Simpsons showrunner David Mirkin, "I think the shows that promise your going to win all the time are evil."

  2. I see someone's been watching Superfriends. ;)

    Greg, that Toonzone post is just weird. "I've grown rather hesitant to watch Young Justice in fear of what i might see and hear leading to embarrassing fantasies in my head" What the hell? I don't even want to guess what he's on about. That and the whole "unsure of what to expect from the characters" seems it's almost like he's *gasp* watch a TV show.

    1. Presumably he expects the characters to be perputually happy all the time and not have any conflict between them. Basically he wants zero-drama. Don't know why he's watching a Greg Weisman show in the first place.

  3. I'm surprised no one's posted the link to this yet. It's the first thing that came into my mind after I was done reading:


  4. Yeah, 'cause taking issue with the way the drama of this show is written HAS to mean that we want it to be "Super Friends". It couldn't POSSIBLY be because alot of people see the show as a poor cross between "Teen Titans" and "JLU" that throws way too much crap at you and is every bit as poorly written and executed in it's "dark, angsty grittiness" as actual DC comics themselves. No, that can't possibly be it because Greg Weissman knows what he's doing: a show with him at the helm cannot possibly be bad EVAR!!!!

    In all seriousness, there's a difference between good drama and bad drama, and this show has the latter. The teenage heroes are unlikable so their angst comes off as uninteresting, Superman having issues with being cloned gives him no right to take it out on the clone himself in such an out of character way, and it's never good to have heroes NOR villains be totally invincible. It's a stupid double standard to say it's okay for the villains to be behind everything and ahead of the heroes each and every single time so that nothing the heroes do makes a difference and in fact HELPS them reach their goals, but if the good guys actually prevail, then it's just a bad 80's cartoon.

    1. This was meant to be tongue-in-cheek, and I think you're taking the post a tad too seriously.

      Obviously, you and I disagree on the show. That's fine. But when I want to be obnoxious and confrontational, I go for the jugular. This was just obnoxious, and making a little bit of fun.

      Look at it this way, I like the show a lot, but I don't love the show. I have some issues with it too. It's growing on me. I think the last three episodes have knocked it out of the park (haven't seen Image yet).

      And for the record, I've never once said a Greg Weisman show cannot be bad. I remember "Max Steel." And while there were other issues going on, and it wasn't quite his fault, the show still was terrible.

      All that being said, if I make a post that includes "Golden Meadows of Friendships" and "G-Rated Dry Humping" ... don't take it seriously.