Well, this didn't take long...
I wasn't going to watch it. I really wasn't going to watch it. But I was hanging out with my brother, we were planning to watch the season premiere of "Avengers - Earth's Mightiest Heroes." and there was an hour to kill. My brother had the remote control. You can see where this is going. This is more than a little embarrassing.
My last post was written as April Fool's joke. I had not seen the show yet, and still had no intention of watching it. I said as much, because, frankly, I wanted to save myself the grief and annoyance of people pointing out my biases, which I admit are very real. I love "Spectacular Spider-Man," I am friends with Greg Weisman. Everyone knows this, I admit it, I am biased. So, with that out of the way.... and admit it, some of you were looking forward to this.
Remember all my reviews of "ThunderCats?" I don't know where to start with this show. "Ultimate Spider-Man" makes "ThunderCats" look like "Legend of Korra." This show sucks big, fat, puss spewing, venereal diseased, scab covered, prison inmate cock! Sweet, titty-fucking Moses, this was a piece of shit! Now I know how all the people who went to see "Batman and Robin" (a movie I've never seen myself) felt. This goes beyond being targeted at younger audiences... this is being targeted at the most ADD of younger audiences!
The jokes were not funny. Not a single one. And the style of the humor... if Seth MacFarlane ever made a superhero cartoon, this would be it. Everyone and everything is played for a laugh, and it's not even a good a laugh! It's like an 80's cartoon made for 2012! One of the villains got beaten by slipping on a bowl of jello! A BOWL OF JELLO!!!!! And why does Mary Jane Watson want to be a Daily Bugle photographer!? And Norman Osborn is one of my favorite villains of all time... and they made him so, so... generic! Boring! And honestly, who cares about the Frightful Four and why are they the villains in a debut episode of a SPIDER-MAN SHOW?!? And, oh shit... are they really going for the "I've been in love with MJ since we were four years old" take again... I think they are. Fuck.
On top of all this, the show is so schizophrenic. You cannot be "Family Guy" one minute and try to be "Batman" the next. As another reviewer, Dread, said on superhero hype:
If the show wanted to be a sheer comedy it might work a little better, but it also wants to play certain moments dead straight which clash against it like a ballerina at a death metal rave.
The voice acting was pretty wretched also. Drake Bell makes me miss Christopher Daniel Barnes! He sounds like he has marbles in his mouth! Steven Webber as Norman Osborn is so generic. Tara Strong as MJ is okay, nothing great, but not terrible. Aunt May sounds like she's thirty-five years old. Ugh... well, I suppose I liked Clark Gregg as Agent Coulsen, but even he sounded like he was phoning it in.
Oh, Flash Thompson... what did they do to you? They took one of the best characters in Peter Parker's supporting cast, and turned him into a one dimensional joke. And it's the same joke. He tries to stuff Peter into a locker, and ends up stuck in there himself. They do this twice (Actually, a lot of the jokes get repeated over and over)! You want to see the real Flash Thompson, watch "Spectacular Spider-Man." You know, the guy who would rather see his team lose the championship if they didn't win by playing fair. You know, that guy!
And, lookie... they gave Spider-Man a Spider-Cycle. SHIELD's lab techie, Curt Connors (who has TWO ARMS, BTW!) gave Spidey a spider-cycle! It fires webbing, it can stick to walls, and it can transform a little too! You know, exactly what Stan Lee, Steve Ditko, and John Romita always thought Spidey should have! And it can be yours, for only $29.99 at Toys R' Us!!!!
The only upside to all this was the greater appreciation I now have for "Avengers - Earth's Mightiest Heroes" as a result from this. Don't get me wrong, it's a show I enjoy... even if I was very critical of it at times. I nitpicked the dialogue on that show, and quite a few of the contrivances. But it was still clever, it still had heart. And it had a lot more brains than this piece of baboon shit. "ThunderCats" still sucks though.
My brother was a bit more forgiving, but even he thought it was really bad. I gave it an F, he gave it a D-. And I saw Paul Dini's name in the credits, and I could not help but feel very, very sad for him. The best animated series are written on multiple levels. This, most certainly, is not. Well, maybe it's written for different ADHD levels. And if this is a sign of what Jeph Loeb thinks Marvel animation should be, well... brace yourselves for a lot of prison ass.
So, there. There's my review. You have a problem with it? Bring it on! You think I'm biased? Absolutely! I don't fucking give a shit. This show is........!
You know what, let me quote Dread from Superherohype one last time:
"Any mention of "TSSM" sort of seems bittersweet having just watched the start of "ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN". Without getting specific, at no point in it's rambling, incoherent 44 minutes did it come close to a rational thought. I am now dumber for having watched it. I award it no points, and may god have mercy on its soul."
On a much more pleasant note, the season premiere of "Avengers" was a lot of fun. Expect a review of that any day now.