The Life & Times of an Auteur.

Commentary on Pop Culture, and maybe creating some of my own.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Top Ten Guilty Pleasure Movies



The Nostalgia Chick recently posted her Top Ten Guilty Pleasure Movies and, after so many people accusing me of being a snob who doesn't like anything that isn't Oscar bait (the people who say that are mentally ill), I decided to write up my own list inspired by her's. I am ashamed of deriving enjoyment from most of these. They are bad.

10. Street Fighter

Yes, it's a deeply stupid movie. But, you know what, it knows it's a deeply stupid movie. It knows it sucks ass. But it's so cheesy and spends its time reveling in its horribleness that I'm laughing with it just as much as I am laughing at it. And Raul Julia as M. Bison is just so fun to watch...

9. Alligator

Most of you have probably never heard of this train wreck from 1980. "Jaws" was a big hit in 1975 and spawned many imitators. A baby alligator is flushed down a Chicago toilet and survives by eating discarded lab rats, injected with growth hormones. The small animal grows gigantic, escapes the city sewers, and goes on a rampage. It is fucking hilarious. Stupid as hell, but hilarious. Dumbass kid decides to go for a midnight swim in the family pool, gets eaten. Alligator then crashes an outdoor wedding... it's dumb but entertaining.

8. Live Free or Die Hard

The fourth "Die Hard" movie... no where near as good as the first. Not even as good as the third, but better than the second. This time John McClane goes after evil hackers. Obviously anyone who knows anything about how the internet works knows that everything that happens in this movie is complete bullshit. But it's entertaining, and Timothy Olyphant's attempt to scare the audience with his crazy eyes might just be the most unintentionally hilarious thing ever. I saw it the same week I saw Michael Bay's first "Transformers" movie... one of these was stupid, and one was festering retard shit.

7. Transformers the Movie

Can one love a movie that is crap? Yes, they can. I love the 1986 Transformers movie. In spite of, even because of all of it's corny badness. The family friendly AM radio rock soundtrack is terrible, but fun. The entire movie is less a story and more of a series of weird events culminating in a giant climax and minimal denouement. The animation might be good by TV standards, but not at all for movie standards. Very little in this movie works, and yet it's all solidly entertaining. It's a big, dumb toy commercial, but it's my big dumb toy commercial. Plus it traumatized hundreds of children... which is hilarious.

6. GI Joe the Movie

Worse than "Transformers the Movie." Much worse. And yet, I can't bring myself to hate this thing. It's so gloriously stupid. Let's see, what have we got here... a military unit and a ruthless terrorist organization firing hundreds of lasers, missiles and cannon shells at each other and no one ever dies, a secret underground society of snake people in the Himalayas who ride on giant insects, Serpentor getting it on with a weird alien clawed bald ponytail lady, and Don Johnson and Sgt. Slaughter in a buddy comedy. It is so stupid, and yet... I've watched it more times than any sane person probably should.

5. Death Proof

Quentin Tarantino's worst movie, and yet... far more entertaining than "Jackie Brown." Go figure. Stunt man and stunt car played by Kurt Russell murder people. Like "Psycho" we follow one cast of girls for the first half of the movie, they are played like the main characters and then they get killed. Then in the second half, he fails to kill the new cast, and they beat the shit out of him and make him cry like a little girl. If not for that ending, this movie wouldn't make this list.

4. Disney's Hercules

I like this movie, and it has a ton of problems. How true is it to the myths? Not as true as Kevin Sorbo's Hercules and yet I would rather watch this one than Kevin Sorbo. This movie is saved by James Woods' as Hades. He is endlessly entertaining in the role, and the true star of the movie. This spin-off TV series was better and I saw it first, which is probably why I enjoyed the movie in spite of its many flaws.

3. Dracula Dead and Loving It

This is Mel Brooks' worst movie. I will never debate that. But even Brooks at his worst is entertaining. Some of the jokes are overplayed and go on for too long, but it's still fun. I am not a fan of Leslie Nielsen as Count Dracula though. If anyone shined in this movie, it was Peter MacNicol as Renfield. Still, there are better Dracula parodies out there, like "Love At First Bite."

2. Manos: The Hands of Fate

If you've only ever seen this with Joel and the robots, then you've never actually seen this movie. It is the worst crafted movie ever made, and not even intentionally so. And yet, there is something morbidly fascinating about it. It was made by a fertilizer salesman in Texas to prove a point, and a few cast members committed suicide. This movie has a body count. And yet, it's entertaining in its horribleness. This is terrible, but no where near as horrible as any Michael Bay Transformers movies, which I can only conclude were made for retards because you have to be one to enjoy any of those movies. At least the fertilizer salesman has an excuse.

1. Jaws the Revenge

The fourth "Jaws" movie (as if the first needed even one sequel). Apparently the shark is an evil genius and wants revenge on the Brody family for killing it three times before. The shark follows them from Amity Island to the Bahamas, and swims there in three days, lies in wait and kills them. Basically, the shark is Jason Voorhees. Oh, and Michael Caine climbs out of the water and his clothes are still dry. Mario Van Peebles either dies or survives depending on what cut you see. This is one of the worst movies ever made. And yet... it brings me joy because it is my all time favorite movie to pick on. I've been making fun of it since the 80's, and I have no intention of stopping any time soon. Horrible movie, sucks ass but it built Michael Caine a spectacular house. Oh, and the shark stands on its tail out of the water and roars in one scene. Chew on that.

2 comments:

  1. ''This is terrible, but no where near as horrible as any Michael Bay Transformers movies, which I can only conclude were made for retards because you have to be one to enjoy any of those movies.''

    Come on, that is just mean-spirited assumptions about people and you're better than that. I am no retard but I enjoy the first Michael Bay Transformers movie as one of my own guilty pleasures. But ONLY the first one: I have no intention of re-watching the other two for any reason.

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  2. I have a fare amount of guilty pleasure movies that I get way more enjoyment out of than I really should. Some of which are on this list. I just like a lot of schlock movies that are stupid fun.

    Transformers the Movie and Masters of the Universe are pretty much at the top. These are the movies I watch to cheer myself up after a bad day and enjoy being a child again.

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