The Life & Times of an Auteur.

Commentary on Pop Culture, and maybe creating some of my own.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Retro Review: A Decepticon Raider In King Arthur's Court


Hear ye, hear ye. Forsooth we shall observe as yon Autobots Hoist, and Warpath and yon Decepticons Starscream, Ramjet, Rumble and Ravage depart through the mists of time and come on to the year of our lord 543. Whereupon the Decepticons allyeth themselves with Sir Wigend du Blackthorne to commit foul villainy upon the countryside of thy noble Sir Aetheling the Red and his comely daughter, thy fair Princess Nimue.

As thou Starsceam is a frothy, onion-eyed, nuthook, Starscream is fast to rejoice his good fortune as he doth  calculates that he doth has 1451 years before thy vain scut, Megatron shall awaken. Thou Starscream's math is as tushery as the pronunciation of thy name of Nimue and thy use of Ye Olde English.

Fair maiden Nimue doth selects thy mammering Spike Witwicky to champion her in a joust, leading to his lumpish performance. Starscream chooseth to silence thy mewling quim and abducts her, aseth he seizes the castle of Sir Blackthourne and crushes thy grandmother's jewels to maketh a wire and offend thy sensibilities.



Warpath, Hoist, Spike and Aetheling march upon Castle Starscream and lay siege after Rumble fetches a basket of bird shite as picturedeth aboveth. As Starscream stands triumphant upon thy castle parapets, the droning wizard, Beorht appears on thy hill and summons lightning upon thy Autobots who proceedeth to defeat thy Decepticons. Spike sooneth is cockblocketh by Sir Blackthourne who has repented his treacherous ways when he and Nimue agree to wed.

On the morrow, thy Autobots and Decepticons approach thine Stonehenge where upon a dragon sets eyes and attacketh them. As thy dragon escapes, thy robots enter thy Stonehenge and returneth to 1985 where upon Starscream glompeth Megatron in a lustful display of faggotry that thy Bible has forbidden in the chapters of Leviticus.

Thy episode sucketh with a most amusing stupidity. But I questioneth one thing? Where upon the countryside was King Arthur?

7 comments:

  1. See, this sort of thing is why I prefer the following incarnations over G1 and I'll list them in chronological order.

    Beast Wars
    Live action movies
    Transformers: Animated.

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    1. You like the Bay racist shit more than Animated? Dude.

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    2. Those are chronological order, not by rankings. If it were, Beast Wars and Animated would competiting for the top spot.

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    3. Hey now, the Marvel comic and IDW's current (amazingly awesome) batch of TF comics put the G1 franchise's ranking up by some, don't they?

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  2. Greg, have you read this? http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3507949&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=1

    Someone did a massive analysis of the Bayformers films, and while some of it seems like heavy conjecture and the writer fully admits the movies are not good, it's a really interesting take on the film series.

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  3. Forsooth and verily, thou art a winner!

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  4. Love the ending line, and yeah, the title just seemed like an attempt to reference Mark Twain's "A Connecticut Yankey in King Aurthur's Court."

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