Saturday, February 9, 2013
A lot of people are nostalgic for 80’s cartoons. They call that the best period in TV animation ever (those people are mentally ill). So, what if “Gargoyles” was an 80’s cartoon?
- Goliath and his clan would never have evacuated the castle. And Xanatos never returns to the Eyrie after his initial defeat, instead relocating to a secret underground lair of evil, with all dark colors and robot servants and a skull motif.
- Elisa Maza would have been a man. She’d have probably been Matt Bluestone, actually (though not named Bluestone, because that's too Jewish). But if she did exist as a woman, she would be the perpetual damsel in distress, and probably a reporter instead of a cop. And she would be white.
- Goliath would have no character flaws, whatsoever.
- New gargoyles would appear, as members of Goliath’s clan, out of no where.
- Angela would have worn pink. Hell, Angela would have BEEN pink! And she wouldn’t have been Goliath’s daughter because that would imply sex happened.
- Lexington would be such a savant, he could build space ships, time machines, dimensional gateways, and anything.
- Brooklyn would talk like Michelangelo in the 80’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He’d also be Angela’s love interest.
- Broadway would be, well, do I need to tell you what kind of stereotype he’d be?
- Bronx might have been able to speak, or at least, make noises that would sound halfway between speech and a gargoyle beast’s growls.
- Xanatos would have been a straight up criminal “mastermind” who’s plans never worked. The Pack would have been his incompetent henchmen. Owen wouldn’t exist. Demona and Sevarius would be his two more competent, but still unsuccessful henchmen. He would also frequently throw temper tantrums while taking Demona’s and Sevarius’s ideas and claiming them as his own.
- Demona would not be Goliath’s ex-mate (because that would mean they once had sex). She’d either be Goliath’s former friend, former rival, or rival sister. I imagine she’d serve as Xanatos’s Starscream… with a matching track record.
- Sevarius as a mad scientist would be an expert in EVERYTHING.
- The major plot line would have involved Xanatos wanting to gather together the three great talismans so he could rule the world. This would never get resolved.
- Xanatos would wear a mask and you’d never see his face. Probably a cape, too. Also, you’d never hear the name “David.” He would just be “Xanatos.”
- Alex Xanatos would never exist. Once again, that would imply that sex once happened.
- Thailog would exist and remain loyal to Xanatos. Or he would exist for one episode and one episode only and we would have a “Who is the real Goliath” contest where our heroes can’t tell the difference between the Goliath they know and the one who doesn’t know anyone’s name or his way around the castle.
- The motorcycle and helicopter would have been in every episode.
- At some point, Goliath, Hudson and Brooklyn would have gained elemental control over fire, water, and ice respectively.
- William Shakespeare? Who is that? Some English fart? He doesn’t sell toys.
- Goliath and Xanatos would join forces to battle an evil drug dealer! Because drugs are so evil, even the evil criminal masterminds think they’re bad!
- History would be mutable. In any give time travel episode, the bad guy would change history…For some reason the change would be visible in the present and the characters would notice—without explanation—Lex would build the time machine, and they’d go back in time to fix the problem.