The Life & Times of an Auteur.

Commentary on Pop Culture, and maybe creating some of my own.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

1980's Gargoyles!



A lot of people are nostalgic for 80’s cartoons. They call that the best period in TV animation ever (those people are mentally ill). So, what if “Gargoyles” was an 80’s cartoon?

- Goliath and his clan would never have evacuated the castle. And Xanatos never returns to the Eyrie after his initial defeat, instead relocating to a secret underground lair of evil, with all dark colors and robot servants and a skull motif.

- Elisa Maza would have been a man. She’d have probably been Matt Bluestone, actually (though not named Bluestone, because that's too Jewish). But if she did exist as a woman, she would be the perpetual damsel in distress, and probably a reporter instead of a cop. And she would be white.

- Goliath would have no character flaws, whatsoever.

- New gargoyles would appear, as members of Goliath’s clan, out of no where.

- Angela would have worn pink. Hell, Angela would have BEEN pink! And she wouldn’t have been Goliath’s daughter because that would imply sex happened.

- Lexington would be such a savant, he could build space ships, time machines, dimensional gateways, and anything.

- Brooklyn would talk like Michelangelo in the 80’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He’d also be Angela’s love interest.

- Broadway would be, well, do I need to tell you what kind of stereotype he’d be?

- Bronx might have been able to speak, or at least, make noises that would sound halfway between speech and a gargoyle beast’s growls.

- Xanatos would have been a straight up criminal “mastermind” who’s plans never worked. The Pack would have been his incompetent henchmen. Owen wouldn’t exist. Demona and Sevarius would be his two more competent, but still unsuccessful henchmen. He would also frequently throw temper tantrums while taking Demona’s and Sevarius’s ideas and claiming them as his own.

- Demona would not be Goliath’s ex-mate (because that would mean they once had sex). She’d either be Goliath’s former friend, former rival, or rival sister. I imagine she’d serve as Xanatos’s Starscream… with a matching track record.

- Sevarius as a mad scientist would be an expert in EVERYTHING.

- The major plot line would have involved Xanatos wanting to gather together the three great talismans so he could rule the world. This would never get resolved.

- Xanatos would wear a mask and you’d never see his face. Probably a cape, too. Also, you’d never hear the name “David.” He would just be “Xanatos.”

- Alex Xanatos would never exist. Once again, that would imply that sex once happened.

- Thailog would exist and remain loyal to Xanatos. Or he would exist for one episode and one episode only and we would have a “Who is the real Goliath” contest where our heroes can’t tell the difference between the Goliath they know and the one who doesn’t know anyone’s name or his way around the castle.

- The motorcycle and helicopter would have been in every episode.

- At some point, Goliath, Hudson and Brooklyn would have gained elemental control over fire, water, and ice respectively.

- William Shakespeare? Who is that? Some English fart? He doesn’t sell toys.

- Goliath and Xanatos would join forces to battle an evil drug dealer! Because drugs are so evil, even the evil criminal masterminds think they’re bad!

- History would be mutable. In any give time travel episode, the bad guy would change history…For some reason the change would be visible in the present and the characters would notice—without explanation—Lex would build the time machine, and they’d go back in time to fix the problem.

15 comments:

  1. Evidently, I consider the 80's and the 70's to be a very poor time for animation. Granted I'll let something like Robotech slide since it does feature diversity and the other countries like Japan tend to do animation better anyway.

    I'm not saying all Japanese Anime is better mind you just that well you get the idea.

    Though it seems to me Roger Rabbit and The Little Mermaid managed to break the 80's curse. In other words, I don't see why people say the 80's were the best time for cartoons.

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    1. I hate "The Little Mermaid." But I did love "The Great Mouse Detective."

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  2. I do hate people who say we've lost the "creativity" of the 80s because we let little things like logic, common sense, and consistent storytelling, get in the way. Because we're missing out by not having episodes where the generic villain group tries to steal a "Maguffin device" and the annoying comic relief saves the day by using the "Maguffin device" to bend reality and make Loony Tunes versions of the main cast fight off the bad guys.

    Thank you G.I.Joe for that wonderful episode.

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    1. I don't think I ever saw that one. But yeah, I will never understand the 80's apologists and revisionists.

      That's one of the reasons that recent ThunderCats cartoon pissed me off so much, it was a throwback to this era in the worst possible way.

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    2. Oh I remember that episode. Can't believe they actually called it a Macguffin device.

      Oh my god, they really did. Did someone write it with a shit eating grin on their face?

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  3. Every decade is romanticized by whoever grew up with it. Largely because animation fans don't like cartoons.

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    1. "Largely because animation fans don't like cartoons."

      I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to elaborate on this one.

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  4. Is "Bluestone" really a Jewish name? It sounds more like a Native American name, which makes sense because it was originally Elisa's last name. I'm not aware of any real people named Bluestone, and I certainly would think it sounds Jewish.

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    1. Jew here. My dad was a jeweler, I spent most of my youth in the diamond district of New York City. Yes, Bluestone is a very Jewish name.

      Elisa wasn't Native American until after Salli Richardson was cast.

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    2. Is that right? I've never heard of any real person with that name. Learn something new every day, I guess.

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  5. "And Xanatos never returns to the Eyrie after his initial defeat, instead relocating to a secret underground lair of evil, with all dark colors and robot servants and a skull motif."
    Was that intentionally funny?

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    1. Pretty much. Hell part of the fun in looking back stuff from the 80s is how stupid and silly they are.
      Although to be honest, regarding the list saying Owen wouldn't be on the show, the thought of that doesn't bother me much. Until he was revealed to be Puck (who I will saw was probably my favorite of the "minor" characters, till he turned out to a major one), wouldn't have bothered me much since while he was definitely a memorable character, I feel like most of his appearances didn't add much to the show, he was just, there.

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    2. But his being there added a lot to Xanatos's character. It showed how he only surrounded himself with highly competent people and not... Bebop and Rocksteady. Plus there was always something intriguing about him.

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    3. Well like I said, I do feel Owen was memorable character with the contrast with Xanatos, and I suppose Xanatos wouldn't have been as fun to watch if rather than having Owen around he just talked with nobody but himself around like Dr. Claw.

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