The Life & Times of an Auteur.

Commentary on Pop Culture, and maybe creating some of my own.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

The MTV Movie Awards

There exists a certain kind of people who complain about the Academy Awards because they nominate and award "artsy fartsy shit I ain't ever heard of." Of course, MTV had a response, the types of movies Joanne and Cletus have watched. You know Joanne and Cletus... they made Michael Bay a millionaire, and don't know who Alfred Hitchcock was. So, I thought it would be fun to take a look at the crappiest awards show there is. My thoughts on the nominees for the MTV Movie Awards.

movie of the year (they don't capitalize their categories)
Marvel's The Avengers
The Dark Knight Rises
Django Unchained
Silver Linings Playbook

The fact that "Ted" of all things has a movie of the year nod should tell you everything you need to know. But, out of this list, and as much as I liked "Dark Knight Rises" and loved "The Avengers", I need to give this to "Django Unchained."

But, if "Ted" wins, it's just further proof that "Idiocracy" is coming true.

best male performance
Ben Affleck (Argo)
Bradley Cooper (Silver Linings Playbook)
Channing Tatum (Magic Mike)
Daniel Day-Lewis (Lincoln)
Jamie Foxx (Django Unchained)

You know who my pick is. Moving on. But Channing Tatum? He's not even a good actor, let alone nominated for something that DDL is!

best female performance
Anne Hathaway (Les Miserables)
Emma Watson (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)
Jennifer Lawrence (Silver Linings Playbook)
Mila Kunis (Ted)
Rebel Wilson (Pitch Perfect)

Anne Hathaway, next!

best scared-as-s**t performance (What?!)
Alexandra Daddario (Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D)
Jennifer Lawrence (House at the End of the Street)
Jessica Chastain (Zero Dark Thirty)
Martin Freeman (The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey)
Suraj Sharma (Life of Pi)

Better give it to Daddario, because she'll never be nominated for anything else. Normally, I'd say give it to Jessica Chastain, who I loved in ZDT, but I'd rather see her with a razzie for that performance than this insipid award.

best on-screen duo
Robert Downey Jr and Mark Ruffalo (Marvel's The Avengers)
Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis (The Campaign)
Leonardo DiCaprio and Samuel L. Jackson (Django Unchained)
Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence (Silver Linings Playbook)
Mark Wahlberg and Seth MacFarlane (Ted)

Gotta give it to DiCaprio and Jackson. But if RDJ and Mark Ruffalo win, I won't mind.

best shirtless performance
Channing Tatum (Magic Mike)
Christian Bale (The Dark Knight Rises)
Daniel Craig (Skyfall)
Seth MacFarlane (Ted)
Taylor Lautner (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2)

I am unqualified to comment on this one, so I asked my good friend, and fellow pervert, Jennifer L. Anderson, for a blurb.

"I'm not even going to justify Ted at all. While Channing Tatum was great shirtless, Magic Mike was meant for those looking for more than just nice abs and solid shoulders (I'm sure waxing for that was a bitch and a half). Batman's Bale really looked better with his bat suit on, the guy was supposed to be recovering from a spinal injury after all. Daniel Craig holds up well considering his age, but all and all, Taylor Lautner has made a career out of being shirtless, the boy and his 1000 ab muscles definitely has an edge over the others."

She said it deserved honest consideration. ;)

best fight
Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemsworth, Scarlett Johansson, and Jeremy Renner vs Tom Hiddleston (Marvel's The Avengers)
Christian Bale vs Tom Hardy (The Dark Knight Rises)
Jamie Foxx vs Candieland Henchmen (Django Unchained)
Daniel Craig vs Ola Rapace (Skyfall)
Mark Wahlberg vs Seth MacFarlane (Ted)

Why the fuck is "Ted" getting all these nominations? Hmm... I think I've got to give this to "The Avengers." While DKR was really dark and brutal, you could feel it when Bane broke the Bat, the battle in "The Avengers" was just thrilling, and everyone got their moments.

best kiss
Emma Watson and Logan Lerman (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)
Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper (Silver Linings Playbook)
Kara Hayward and Jared Gilman (Moonrise Kingdom)
Kerry Washington and Jamie Foxx (Django Unchained)
Mila Kunis and Mark Wahlberg (Ted)

The silver tongued devil takes this.

best wtf moment (why?)
Anna Camp (Pitch Perfect)
Denzel Washington (Flight)
Jamie Foxx and Samuel L. Jackson (Django Unchained)
Javier Bardem (Skyfall)
Seth MacFarlane (Ted)

The best "wtf moment" is Seth MacFarlane NOT being tarred and feathered for that piece of shit, and his stint at the Oscars. But, for the intent of this award... gonna give it to my boy, Django. Again.

best villain
Javier Bardem (Skyfall)
Leonardo DiCaprio (Django Unchained)
Marion Cotillard (The Dark Knight Rises)
Tom Hardy (The Dark Knight Rises)
Tom Hiddleston (Marvel's The Avengers)

Ooh, good category. Best one yet. I still have yet to see "Skyfall" but I have seen the rest. First off, it's going to be very hard not to give this one to Leonardo DiCaprio, who's performance as Calvin Candy was perfect... he was this abominable, disgusting, piece of shit of an animal who fancied himself a gentleman. I loved Marion Cotilard as Talia al Ghul, I thought she was perfect and chilling at times. Tom Hardy did as great a job with Bane as anyone can. Tom Hiddleston turned Loki into one of the most iconic villains of cinema ever, and alongside DiCaprio is the top contender. This is a difficult one.

Let's ask Jen: "My heart belongs to Hiddleston. I wouldn't want to ruin DiCaprio's series of missed wins."

Thank you, Jen. Me. I'll take the easy way out and make it a tie. It's the MTV movie awards, I don't need to take it any more seriously than they do. DiCaprio and Hiddleston.

best musical moment
Anne Hathaway (Les Misérables)
Channing Tatum, Matt Bomer, Joe Manganiello, Kevin Nash and Adam Rodriguez (Magic Mike)
Emma Watson, Logan Lerman and Ezra Miller (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)
Anna Kendrick, Rebel Wilson, Anna Camp, Brittany Snow, Alexis Knapp, Ester Dean and Hana Mae Lee (Pitch Perfect)
Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence (Silver Linings Playbook)

Hathaway. Next!

best hero
They have this award, but they want you to vote with a twitter hashtag. And is that Kristen Stewart?!

Okay, vote for these dumb awards, if you want. I didn't. And for those of you who vote for "Ted" for anything, I hope you fall into a bucket of AIDS and crack your head open.


  1. The ONE upside I see is that they FINALLY learned their lesson and left the "Twilight" movie out of most nominations. Those movies SWEPT the past four award shows due to dumbass fangirl votes. Thank goodness this time'll be different, though I fear all of the "Twilight" undeserved wins could be tranfered to "Ted" given all the nominations.

    While DDL and Hathaway deserve the award, I'm not going to be pissed if they don't win because they already won Oscars. (Y'know, the movie awards that REALLY matter?) If say, Jamie Foxx and Emma Watson won the awards, I wouldn't mind.

    I'm leaning towards Loki for best villain too, though Calvin Candie comes very close.

    And AT LEAST Kristen Stewart's nomination is for her Snow White and not Bella Swan. I was worried there for a moment. ^^

    1. "And AT LEAST Kristen Stewart's nomination is for her Snow White and not Bella Swan. I was worried there for a moment."

      In this case, Snow White is only a cunt hair less awful.

  2. ^ Eh, I suppose so. But I don't have THAT much of a problem with Kristen Stewart, other than the fact that she's a more successful actress than she deserves given her very limited talent. -_-

  3. You haven't seen Skyfall? Dude, see it; it's not just a great Bond film but it's a great film period.