Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Five Worst of the Last Decade
So, to tide you over until my Year In Review comes out, here are my picks for the five worst movies of the last decade. I will also recommend something for you to watch instead.
Avatar - I summed the success of this movie once by saying that James Cameron had found the perfect formula for success. "Make your audience believe that you're making them think and they'll love you; but actually make them think, and they'll hate you." A true joke of a movie if there ever was one, and it changed cinema for the worse with the mainstreaming of 3D. If you want to watch something that successfully tackles the themes this movie failed spectacularly at, check out Hayao Miyazaki's "Princess Mononoke." "Princess Mononoke" is a movie that examines the story of nature vs progress in a three dimensional manner and makes no attempt to do the thinking for you. Unlike "Avatar," "Princess Mononoke" knows you're an intelligent person.
The Last Airbender - Adaptations of a beloved property can be tricky, but they should strive to be more competent than this. "The Last Airbender" was abysmal. It was so abysmal that I bet my Blu-ray set of "Casablanca" that it would win the Razzie for worst picture right after seeing it. Horrid acting, pacing, the worst narration in the history of film, and the infamous casting of white actors as the leads in an Asian world. Check out the animated series "Avatar: The Last Airbender" instead.
Man of Steel - "Eff you, Greg! You hate Superman anyway!" Well, yes, I do. But that doesn't make this movie any less of a disaster. I don't like to use this word, but if anything it underscores that Zack Snyder is the most pretentious prat in Hollywood. He's no different than Michael Bay (who we will get to, soon), except that Bay is at least honest about what he is, whereas Snyder believes he's making art. Superman is, in theory, supposed to inspire us to be better, to show us what heroism is and what we can be. "Man of Steel" fails at that. Watch "The Avengers" instead, there's a lot of heroic inspiration in that movie.
Star Trek Into Darkness - If you want to watch a conspiracy nut's ravings and rantings that the attacks on September 11th were an inside-job, but using the imagery of Star Trek, then "Into Darkness" is the movie for you. That's what the movie is. Screenwriter, Roberto Orci is a 9/11 truther. Not to mention the film glossing over the fact that they cured death. Portable transporters rendering star ships obsolete. Orci not understanding that cold fusion ISN'T ACTUALLY COLD!!!!! Like "The Last Airbender", taking a character that should be a person of color and casting the palest white dude imaginable in the role. I could keep going. If you want a superior alternative, check out "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan." Or, wait for "Star Trek Beyond" where Roberto Orci will use Star Trek to tell us that Sandy Hook was a false flag.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - Well, we're back here. My old nemesis. Racist caricatures dressed up as transforming robots as we follow Shia LeBeauf along playing, well, we don't care who he's playing. But we're watching his movie, because it sure as hell isn't about the Transformers. Racism, sexism, dogs fucking, hash brownies turning suburban moms into lunatics, as Michael Bay does the backstroke in a pile of cash, surrounded by dozes of naked porn stars. Watch the animated "Transformers the Movie" from 1986 instead, only two human characters and neither are the main characters, beautiful animation, an all star cast (Orson Welles, Leonard Nimoy, Robert Stack, etc), and as dumb as it is, at least it has heart and actual character arcs to be found.